Twilight Review: Vampires or Teenagers Suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? (SAD)

Disappointingly, the chemistry is platonic not erotic.

Stoned Aunt Sheila Rating: 5/10

(After writing this I checked the movie’s Rotten Tomatoes score- 49%. I’m basically a professional at this)

Pale people who never smile are just not my people. That preference remains unchanged after tonight’s viewing of “Twilight” starring Kristen Stewart as Bella and Robert Pattinson as Edward, released 2009. The chemistry between the two is colder than Edwards vampiric nut sack.

First, what’s with her Mom? She seems like a total wing nut/vagrant. Married to a baseball player who would probably be a lot younger than her? Loses her phone charger? Get it together lady.

Was surprised to see Anna Kendrick doing her Anna Kendrick thing. I hope for her sake that COVID lets up so that she can find a role that is a total left turn for her. She needs her Matthew McConaughey “Dallas Buyers Club” moment.

If you date men, you’ve happened upon an Edward. Gaslighting, manipulative, wants to keep you isolated, bad hair, makes decisions for you, puts you in harms way.

Would it kill you to smile? Oh wait you’re already dead.

Kristen Stewart’s dying face is very similar to my Twilight watching face

Open Questions

Will Bella and Edward stay together in Washington?

Why would a teenage vampire drive a Volvo?

Why would a vampire have an all windows bedroom?

Why didn’t Dr Cullen set Edward up with a vampire lady? Maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation if he’d done his job?

How will they have sex when he has a sub zero ding dong? That can’t be good about for her nether regions? I can’t help picturing…

Tomorrow night I continue my journey with “New Moon.” Kill me.