'The Bachelorette' Recap SPOILERS
You know it's a great recap when I get to mention Uncle Leo from Seinfeld
Happy Men Tell All night fellow citizens of Bachelor Nation! This episode is consistent- the rejects wear weird outfits and those off the show earliest say the most controversial things in hopes we might remember them for something. Sadly it never works, I still have no idea who Matteo is.
But First…
Opening to scenes from last week when Luke said he didn’t want to be eskimo brothers with Peter, Jed or Tyler. Honestly Tyler is such a specimen of a man I would probably settle for this level of intimacy with him. Hannah proclaiming, “I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, that’s weight’s name is Luke.”
Shook by Shock
Harrison is in-studio already promising us a “shocking” and “emotional” night. He’s sharing that tonight’s format is different and he drops another “shocking”. Harrison you dick tease! We’re back in Greece and for the second night in a row I’m being hit with some over the top tendrils. WTF IS WITH TENDRILS IN 2019!? Celeste on Big Little Lies (read my recap here) and now Hannah?
Final Three
Peter is still smiling from getting it on in the windmill. I had the thought, “is there a sex move called the windmill and did Peter and Hannah perform it in an actual windmill?” Sexual inception? Turns out there IS a sex move called “The Windmill” but I’ll let you look that one up on your own. Tyler’s here and the seams of his pants should win an Emmy for making it through this season without splitting. Jed is here in a perversely climate inappropriate brown suit- tweed!? You’re in Greece Jed, COTTON. LINNEN. I’LL TAKE A BLEND.
Let’s get back to Hannah for a second, what is this cutout sports bra dress? If this was a dress on Project Runway, Nina Garcia would question the contestants “taste level”. Anyone remember Casanova? Deep cuts but this is his kind of dress.
FUCKING LUKE!!! He’s in a Greek Super Shuttle heading back to Hannah. He still loves her. It’s not over for him. Actually buddy, Hannah told you it was over, so it is over. Luke, like all manipulative misogynists before him, thinks he knows what’s best and he’s not afraid to step over any boundary of respect to make it known. He walks in, Tyler looks like he’s going to puke, Jed is doing breathing exercises to calm down and Peter still has a semi from The Windmill in the windmill so he’s feeling ok.
Hannah comes down in her sports bra dress, sees Luke and his beard made of wires and rolls her eyes. Luke approaches, says he wants to get things off his mind. Hannah says, “You will leave because I’ve already sent you home.” Remaining contestants just fell in love with her 100000x more and she still has to send one of them home. I mean honestly I think I’m in love with her. This back and forth continues and then Hannah cements herself as the best Bachelorette, actually the best lead in any Bachelor franchise by PICKING UP THE GODAMN ROSE PODIUM AND MOVING IT SO SHE CAN GET ON WITH HER LIFE.
Luke tries gaslight Hannah by rewriting what he’s said, but he’s forgotten that he did and said all these things on a camera. On national television. We all saw him say what he said, WITH OUR EYES. THAT TRANSMIT IMAGES TO OUR BRAIN. WHERE WE PROCESS AND REMEMBER THEM.
SHEILA BEING SERIOUS ALERT: I could catalogue this back and forth, but instead I’ll share with you that I find Luke very triggering. I, like many women, was once in a relationship like this- endlessly gaslit, controlled and made to feel crazy. Most of my friends have been in relationships like this, and sadly plenty of women still are. It’s so common and I hope that things are starting to change out there but Luke isn’t giving me hope…END OF SERIOUSNESS
Ok Luke get back in your Greek Super Shuttle and get out of here! Go on, git! My suspicions are confirmed that the remaining three all have bigger boners for her and why wouldn’t they? That. Was. Awesome. Ok ok ok let’s collect ourselves someone is still going home. Or will Harrison make us wait till next week? Of course he’ll make us wait.
Luke In the Hot Seat
Luke’s beard of wires is gone but his strange eyebrows are back- are they tinted? We’re reminded that his occupation is “importer/exporter” which I think means he sells protein shakes or works at GNC. Luke is trying to tell us he didn’t say what he said, but we heard what he said. WITH OUR EARS. THAT TRANSMIT AUDIO TO OUR BRAIN. WHERE WE PROCESS AND REMEMBER WHAT WAS SAID.
Luke proceeds to do the careful dance of the religious misogynist. Judging and shaming, 1-2 step, trying to convince us he’s misunderstood, 3-4 step. In a moment of genius, Harrison points out that their faith brought them together and it also cause a “catastrophic event” in their relationship.
I’m not going to get into every detail of Luke’s performance, but I would like us to have a moment of silence for Luke’s many, many, many moments of silence. While we waited, Luke’s brain was busy filtering out the most offensive of his hundreds of offensive thoughts. Sadly for him “A man is supposed to lead and guide a woman” from the MAGA guide to marriage made it through.
Moving On…
I found the rest of the show lackluster so am going to keep it tight. A few thoughts.
Mike, you’re great but you have Uncle Leo from ‘Seinfeld’ eyebrows. Seriously get this looked at before you become The Bachelor. Based on last night’s show it seems like he’s going to get it which is really exciting!! First Black Bachelor!! Side note: Chris Harrison needs to stop calling him “Big Mike”.
Are they falsifying the popularity of John Paul Jones? I mean he’s a weird guy, in that “rich private school kid” kind of way but is he really that remarkable? I hope to learn more in Paradise, because all I’ve seen is a poor man’s Heath Ledger.
Hannah apologizes to the audience for putting us through Luke. She really is the best lead contestant they’ve ever had on this franchise, she addresses that many women end up in relationships with people like Luke, she’s a class act!! (Also I am old AF for saying “class act”) To some extent I’m glad that Luke made it as far as he did so that we could see this play out and see who and what he really is.
Predictions for next week:
Tyler out (so sad)
Jed out
Peter wins
I hope there is time for those not selected to make it to BIP!!!!
Until next week, when I will surely write the most dramatic recap of the season.
Sheila